Early Instagram filters were pretty rough.
Episode 10: In which Hera and Zeus continue to talk mortal mosaics as a metaphor for their terrible, terrible marriage.
This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology.
[SETTING: Breakfast in the Palace of the Gods]
HERA, GODDESS OF MARRIAGE AND ZEUS’ SISTER-WIFE-QUEEN (you read that right): Did you see the mortals found a new mosaic around Judea? I ask, since apparently you are so interested in mortals’ mosaics these days.
ZEUS, KING OF GODS AND PERPETUAL HORN-DOG: Is this a trap?
HERA: Why does everything I say to you have to be a trap?
ZEUS: Well, most times you talk to me it is a trap. Like remember that time during the Trojan War, when you got all tramped up and seduced me, then had Sleep drug me, and then you started a battle behind my back?
The divine staring contest escalated quickly.
HERA (coldly): I remember that you tried to get me in the mood by listing all of your baby-mommas, for some reason.
ZEUS: Or that time you demanded that I give you a cow as a birthday present because you knew the cow was my side-piece in disguise?
HERA: I found you floating in a giggling sex-cloud, with a cow. The “lover in disguise” was the most flattering scenario I could arrive at.
ZEUS: Um, what about the mosaic?
HERA: Apparently it’s another mosaic from those non-idolater Jewish people. But this one shows a scene from their mythology. After a battle, a Jewish woman invites an enemy general into her tent, and when he falls asleep, she drives a tent-stake through his head. (musing) I wish I had thought of that.
This staring contest got REALLY out of hand.
ZEUS: I don’t like this story.
HERA: Maybe I misjudged these Jewish merchants. I should look into more of their ideas before I inevitably smite them.
ZEUS (muttering): This is why I like mortal girls.
HERA: Excuse me?
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Be sure to check in on the continued mosaic and marriage adventures of Zeus and Hera! To explore how archaeologists reconstruct ancient identity (or at least think they do), enroll in CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology, coming up Fall 2024, no pre-reqs or previous experience required. Or for more exploits of the Greek gods, and how their myths shaped Ancient Greek and modern societies, enroll in CLAS-C 205 Classical Mythology, coming up Summer I and II 2023 and Fall 2023, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
