Witness the greatest search for a lost contact ever attempted.
Episode 18: In which Zeus continues to try to distract Hera with discussions of early Christianity, and she’s way too smart to buy it.
This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-C 102 Roman Culture.
[SETTING: Breakfast in the Palace of the Gods]
HERA, GODDESS OF MARRIAGE AND ZEUS’ SISTER-WIFE-QUEEN (you read that right): You looked awfully happy when I joined you just now.
ZEUS, KING OF GODS AND PERPETUAL HORN-DOG: Um, that’s because I was reading something super interesting. About the domestic habits of those Jews and Christians we’ve been talking about.
HERA: I doubt that. No one has ever been that excited about a mosaic.
ZEUS: This time it’s an entire underground city! Modern mortals think ancient mortals dug it out in the hills of Turkey so that they could hide from religious persecution under the Romans.
HERA: I don’t know what any of that means.
ZEUS: Well, I think Turkey is a new word for Anatolia, specifically Ionia and Phrygia. And from what I gather religious persecution is when ruling mortals smite their subjects for believing in different gods.
HERA: Why would they bother with that? Sounds like a lot of time and effort they could be devoting to prevent us from smiting them.
What a waste of time.
ZEUS: I’m sure they only bother when things are going belly-up and they’re really desperate to avoid a smiting. Anyway, this city apparently held 70,000 people. That’s impressive.
HERA (narrowing eyes suspiciously): So what you’re telling me, is that the ruling mortals somehow did not notice a city of 70,000 people, either when it was under construction or then occupied by that many people? Where did the rulers think these people were living? The peasants can’t have farmed underground, they must have come out regularly to tend the fields and gather water.
ZEUS: Um, I don’t remember…
HERA: And also, Cybele was just telling me about how mortals regularly live underground in caves in that region, because it’s ridiculously hot and their little mortal bodies can’t take the strain. Why wouldn’t this massive city just be that?
ZEUS: Um…I think it’s a bad idea for you to be hanging out with Cybele, her priests are into some really weird stuff…
HERA: Do you know what I think? I think the mortals found another ancient cave city and you’re trying to dress it up to distract me. Probably from that wine pithos in the corner that’s been giggling like it has several idiotic nymphs in it since I came in here. I don’t suppose that’s where you got the theme of “hiding” from?
Not something that should giggle.
ZEUS: What? No way! You remember that time I shoved a bunch of things into a pithos as a wedding present for Pandora, it was a disaster. I’d never hide three cave nymphs in one of those things.
HERA (icily): Who said anything about cave nymphs?
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Be sure to check in on the continued mosaic and marriage adventures of Zeus and Hera. To explore how Romans handled weird foreign religions they encountered, including Christianity, enroll in CLAS-C 102 Roman Culture, coming up in Spring 2024, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Or for more exploits of the Greek gods, and how their myths shaped Ancient Roman and modern societies, enroll in CLAS-C 205 Classical Mythology, available Fall 2023, also with GEC credits. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
