Archaeologists always take careful measurements so they can back up their “the cannon that got away” stories.
Episode 16: In which Caligula, James II, and Ted Kennedy compete to win the prize of most ridiculous water-based scandal.
This episode of Real Housewives of Hades (a Mt. Olympus spin-off) brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-C 102 Ancient Roman Culture.
[SETTING: Grove of Profligate Rulers]
JAMES II, KING OF ENGLAND AND NOTORIOUS PARTY-BOY: I say, looks like the mortals have finally released the location of my sunken pleasure boat, the H.M.S.Gloucester. They’re even saying it’s the most significant wreck discovered since Henry VIII’s Mary Rose.
[HENRY VIII glares, keeps eating, searching Missed Connections on Craigslist]
CALIGULA, ROMAN EMPEROR AND NOTORIOUS LUNATIC: What makes your boat so important? I’ve never even heard of it.
JAMES II: (clearly insulted) Well, I don’t like to brag about how many people died for my bad decisions, but the sinking of the Gloucester helped bring down the British monarchy. I was drunk and refused to board the lifeboats, so everyone else had to wait. Somewhere around 200 people died. It was quite the scandal. I was later overthrown as monarch, I was so unpopular.
Amazing to think this guy was ever less than popular with the average Joe.
TED KENNEDY, US SENATOR AND NOTORIOUS KENNEDY: One time, at Chappaquiddick…
CALIGULA: Shut up, Ted, you’re out of your league. You think that’s a big sunken party-boat reveal? You should have seen when they recovered my royal barges at Lake Nemi in 1929. They drained the whole lake for it.
JAMES II: Well, they’re recovered all sorts of fancy from my vessel. Shoes, clothing, unopened wine bottles…
CALIGULA: Try mosaics, marble, infrastructure for heating and plumbing…
TED KENNEDY: In the first century CE on a boat? That is impressive.
Kids, don’t try this, ANY of this, at home.
JAMES II: Do be quiet, Ted. You think that’s profligate? It’s rumored that the reason I refused to leave and let everyone die is because I wanted to make sure my pet dogs were safe!
CALIGULA: Bitch, please. You’re talking to the guy who threatened to appoint his horse to the Senate leadership.
TED KENNEDY: Hey, that’s going too far!
CALIGULA: Not your Senate, Ted.
JAMES II: I agree with Ted. At least I knew my dogs weren’t leadership material.
CALIGULA: (epic eye-roll) I never said I thought the horse would make a good senator. That was my whole point! I was insulting the Senate by saying they were so useless even my horse could do a better job than them.
JAMES II (backing away slowly): Of course, we believe you. Ted, join me for a bottle of wine or two, or ten, somewhere else?
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To explore how very human Romans like Caligula shaped history and the modern world, enroll in CLAS-C 102 Ancient Roman Culture, coming up Spring 2024, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Or for more discussion of Caligula’s bad reputation, enroll in our 1-credit “appetizer” course CLAS-B 313 Extraordinary Ancient Women with no pre-reqs, coming Fall 2023 as a late-start class! And as always, be sure to check back for more adventures of Caligula and buddies in the Grove of Profligate Rulers. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
