When he burned the set of Eyes Wide Shut to the ground as an offering to the Scientology gods, actor Tom Cruise inadvertently created a site that would baffle future archaeologists.
Episode 17: In which Agamemnon discovers hanging out with Heinrich Schliemann is a fate worse than death, and also China exists.
This episode of Real Housewives of Hades (a Mt. Olympus spin-off) brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology.
HEINRICH SCHLIEMANN, 19TH-CENTURY BUSINESSMAN AND NOTORIOUS LOOTER: Agamemnon! Wait up!
AGAMEMNON, MYTHICAL KING OF MYCENAE: Ugh, not this again. What do you want?
SCHLIEMANN: I thought you’d want to hear about this recent excavation in China, because it reminded me so much of when I excavated your grave. They found…
AGAMEMNON: You didn’t find my grave. You found a grave.
SCHLIEMANN: I’m pretty sure it was your grave. It had your mask in it.
AGAMEMNON: Just because you called it the “Mask of Agamemnon” doesn’t make it my mask. It doesn’t even look like me.
When you base your death mask on that really cute drawing your 6-year-old did one time.
SCHLIEMANN: Speaking of masks, the Chinese grave had gold foil masks in it too! In fact, my fellow archaeologists found 13,000 artifacts in the tomb. They think the tomb dates to the Chinese Bronze Age and was part of the mysterious Sanxingdui Culture. Modern mortals only know about the culture from archaeology but it appears to have been a very diverse society characterized by rich cultural exchange.
AGAMEMNON: Did you memorize that to impress me? Also, why would you think I would care about this? I only learned about China when I came down here.
SCHLIEMANN: Well, I thought if you heard about this excavation, and how similar it was to my excavation of your tomb, then you’d realize I’m was a real archaeologist and, you know…you’d want to hang out with me.
AGAMEMNON: That’s one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever heard, and I sacrificed my young daughter to a goddess just to make good time on my commute. And you didn’t conduct a scientific archaeological excavation like they’re carrying out in China, you looted through tombs in Mycenae, took out the gold stuff, and gave it funny names. And that’s after you dug right through the famous city of Troy that I conquered, all so you could get some bling for your wife!
Schliemann skipped the “don’t wear the artifacts” section in the Archaeology for Idiots handbook.
SCHLIEMANN (sniffling): Well, at least my wife didn’t murder me!
AGAMEMNON: That’s a low blow, even for the Underworld. And we’re still not hanging out.
Share on Twitter, or Instagram, or really wherever you want.
To explore the pitfalls and colonialism of early “archaeologists” like Schliemann (who lived in Indy!), enroll in CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology, coming in Fall 2024, no pre-reqs or previous experience required. Or for more exploits of the Roman gods, and how their myths shaped Ancient Greek and modern societies, enroll in CLAS-C 205 Classical Mythology, available Fall 2023, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? And as always, be sure to check back for more adventures of Agamemnon and Schliemann. Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
