The public initially disapproved of the Mad Hatter’s marriage to a BeDazzler, but everyone agreed the resulting child was lovely.
ROMA, GODDESS OF ROME (entering with VICTORIA, GODDESS OF VICTORY and BRITANNIA, GODDESS OF THE PROVINCE OF BRITAIN): Minerva, Mars: my fellow personifications and I seek your assistance. Many centuries ago Victoria obtained a large gem called the Koh-i-Noor, and brought it in triumph to Britannia. Now the queen in Britannia is dead, and the mortals are calling for the diamond’s return to a land called India. We must defend our borders.
MARS, ROMAN GOD OF WAR: I understood almost none of that, but I’m here for it. Let’s invade India.
MINERVA, ROMAN GODDESS OF STRATEGY: Whoa, hold up. When did this all happen? None of this sounds familiar.
VICTORIA: Honestly, I don’t remember any of this. The mortal news says I wore the gem as a broach? That doesn’t sound like my style. Maybe I was hanging out too much with Bacchus at the time.
MINERVA: (skimming papyrus scroll) Ok, none of this has anything to do with us. There was a mortal queen named Victoria in the 19th century. She took the diamond, which is apparently a big shiny rock. Now it’s in some sort of crown, and the mortals in India want it back because it symbolizes their territory’s conquest by Britannia’s empire.
ROMA: Britannia’s empire is my empire, so let us prepare to defend our borders! I like Mars’ idea of aggressive peremptory invading.
MINERVA: Actually, it appears that when this all happened, Britannia was an independent empire. Pretty big one too.
ROMA: (laughing hysterically) Wait, Britannia had an empire? That pathetic little ocean rock invaded something?
BRITANNIA: I’m right here.
ROMA: She was conquered by the emperor Claudius! A guy who came to power as a victim in an epic bullying incident! How pathetic!
BRITANNIA: Right. Here.
ROMA: We were able to construct a wall across the entire island! As a team-building exercise for the army!
BRITANNIA: That’s it! Let’s settle this the Roman way. Last goddess standing gets the world.
MINERVA (putting on helmet, reaching for her spear): Let’s do this thing.
Be sure to check in on the continued repatriation adventures of Minerva, Mars, and Roma. To explore the politics of returning artifacts across international borders, enroll in CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology, coming Fall 2024, no pre-reqs or previous experience required. Or for more exploits of the Roman gods, and how their myths shaped ancient and modern societies, enroll in CLAS-C 102 Ancient Roman Culture, coming up Spring 2024, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!