Focus groups did not react well to the idea of yet another fanciful Cleopatra movie.
Episode 5: In which Marc Antony and Cleopatra debate their relationship, and whether or not Echo makes a good relationship counselor.
This episode of Real Housewives of Hades (a Mt. Olympus spin-off) brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-C 387 Roman History.
MARC ANTONY, ROMAN GENERAL AND NOTORIOUS POOR-LIFE-CHOICE-MAKER: Darling, did you see modern scientists have recreated the formula for your bewitching perfume?
CLEOPATRA, QUEEN OF EGYPT AND NOTORIOUS LIFE-CHOICE-MAXIMIZER: For the last time, stop calling me Darling. We are dead. That’s a pretty serious reset on a relationship.
MARC ANTONY: But Darling, we are some of the most famous star-crossed lovers of all time! Our relationship has been immortalized by Shakespeare! And Elizabeth Taylor!
CLEOPATRA: If you were half the man Julius Caesar was, you would realize that I was using you the whole time. He nearly took over Rome and brought down the Republic. You lounged around on my boat in Syria while I built up our navy and tried to fight off his sociopathic nephew Octavian.
MARC ANTONY: Our therapist said you need to stop bringing up ex-lovers and Actium every time we fight. Besides, you abandoned me in that battle.
She’s just not that into you.
CLEOPATRA: That wasn’t a therapist, that was Echo, a nymph who wasted away rather than leave the side of a man who literally didn’t know she existed. I’m not sure anyone should be taking her relationship advice. And yes, I abandoned you when it was clear we were going to lose the battle. Because as I just said, I was using you the whole time.
MARC ANTONY: Echo says I should ignore you when you lash out with negative energy. And I think it’s nice they recreated your perfume. They put a lot of work into it. They read ancient texts, they analyzed trace elements, they looked at excavations of ancient perfume workshops. I think it’s a testimony to our famous love.
CLEOPATRA: I notice they didn’t spend much time recreating your scent. What would that be? Elements of flop sweat and failure? I can see the ad campaign now: “Eau-de-Antony: for the man who could have been emperor, but lost his kingdom to wine and an 18-year-old upstart.”
MARC ANTONY: That’s it. I’m going to find Octavia. She may be famous for being boring, and the sister of the enemy who orchestrated my death, but at least she was a good wife to me, unlike some people I know.
CLEOPATRA: Make sure you don’t confuse her with one of her marble portraits, I don’t know how you would tell the difference.
MARC ANTONY: At least she didn’t have herself delivered to Caesar wrapped up in a rug, like some sexy whore burrito!
Ta-da!
CLEOPATRA: (purring) Would you like to see me do that?
MARC ANTONY: Yes please. I love you.
CLEOPATRA: God you’re pathetic.
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To explore how very human Romans like Antony and Cleopatra shaped history and the modern world, enroll in CLAS-C 387 Roman History, coming up Fall 2023, no pre-reqs required! Or to learn more about Cleopatra, enroll in our 1-credit “appetizer” course CLAS-B 313 Extraordinary Ancient Women, also coming up Fall 2023 with no pre-reqs! While you’re waiting, make sure to check back for more adventures of Cleopatra and Marc Antony. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
