Why did the Roman chicken cross the road? To prevent the legionaries from chopping its head off to see if this was a good day to do battle.
Episode 14: In which Artemis tries to reclaim her rights to chickens and dogs, and Demeter tries to reclaim her rights to world domination.
This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-C205 Classical Mythology.
ARTEMIS, GODDESS OF THE WILDS: The mortals are finally doing something useful for once. Using something called genetics, they have drawn closer to pinpointing when and where you first stole chickens from me! Once they gather enough evidence, I will have my revenge!
DEMETER, GODDESS OF AGRICULTURE: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Why would I steal chickens? They’re disgusting future-meat with useless wings.
ARTEMIS: I don’t know why you did it—you’re the criminal mastermind, not me. But scientist mortals have discovered that it was in Southeast Asia almost 4,000 years ago that mortals first came into close contact with my beautiful waterfowl. Your followers were chopping down my forests and replacing them with man-made wetlands to cultivate rice, whatever that is.
If this looks like paradise to you, you might be a water fowl.
DEMETER: Asia is outside my jurisdiction. Regardless, rice is a type of grain. One of the most common grains in the world, actually. You really need to get out of the forest more.
ARTEMIS: What it was, was an excuse to create ideal habitats to lure my waterfowl close to them! Then the mortals started keeping my birds as sacred pets, to lure them in further, and then…wham! Full domestication!
DEMETER: Wait, so you think humans started cultivating rice with the express purpose of enticing chickens into a dependent relationship over thousands of years, whereby the birds would eventually become ubiquitous sandwich fodder?
ARTEMIS: Yes! And it was you behind it all along! You have always coveted my creatures and turned them into pathetic domesticated shadows of their former selves. Look at how you turned my fearsome wolves into dogs!
DEMETER: That was also in Asia, which, again, not my jurisdiction. And you love dogs. You feed people to their dogs, apparently randomly.
The Greeks were not known for their dog obedience schools.
ARTEMIS: Regardless, I will have my revenge! I always have my revenge!
DEMETER: Whoa, girl, pump the breaks. Do not confuse me with those mortals you like smiting so much. Orion, Actaeon, Agamemnon, Adonis, you’re getting quite an alternative list there. None of them come close to my level of power, so do not step to me. Especially over chickens.
ARTEMIS: I do not fear you, especially with my brother Apollo by my side!
DEMETER: Isn’t that him over there, sexually assaulting a tree?
Apollo and Daphne, giving new meaning to the term “tree-hugger.”
ARTEMIS (running over): Apollo! We talked about this!
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For more exploits of the Greek gods, and how their myths shaped Ancient Greek and modern societies, enroll in CLAS C205 Classical Mythology, coming up Summer I and II 2023 and Fall 2023, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Or to learn more about the archaeological science of domestication, look for in CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology, coming up Fall 2024 with no pre-reqs! While you’re waiting, make sure to check back for more Animal-Goddess battles of Demeter and Artemis. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
